isachandra (isachandra) wrote,

Fedex and the conspiracy to silence veganism

There have been studies that show butterflies more attracted to paper butterflies that are bigger and more colorful than real butterflies, and I figured that's what was happening with my FedEx guy. He would approach the door of my building, get enraptured with a shinier buzzer than my own, ring that one, walk away in an endorphin riddled daze, forgetting to even leave a tag on my door.

But on Saturday, the day that a proofread manuscript of Veganomicon was scheduled to arrive, I knew something far more sinister was afoot. I sat here all day, tracking the package with space age technology. Running downstairs every 2 minutes just to make sure. Only to be disappointed by a 3pm update informing me that I wasn't even home. My first thought was that I was actually long dead, a ghost caught in limbo, foolishly awaiting the arrival of a package that would never come.

But then it occurred to me - FedEx hates veganism.

A quick google search confirmed my hunch. A boolean* string of "fedex veganism" turned up a mere 446,000 hits. Meanwhile, "fedex meat"... an earth shattering 1,090,000.

I immediately bitch voiced the FedEx lady and was forced to take my earthly trappings all the way to the macabre industrial park where FedEx houses their demonic minions, each keeping close eye over our packages, caressing them with their talons, grotesque mouths agape and spilling acidic drool over their surfaces. Few are allowed in and even fewer are allowed out. But it was a chance I was willing to take.

Long story short, I brought a photo ID, signed on the dotted line, picked up the package, littered in their parking lot out of spite and now I have the manuscript and can send back my edits! Note: the unicorns will not be included on the final cover.

*I don't actually know what "boolean" means.

Manuscript plus toe

Fizzle guards the Veganomicon, nay! Veganism!

It's like I'm studying for the bar
  • Post a new comment


    Comments allowed for friends only

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic
← Ctrl ← Alt
Ctrl → Alt →
i think veganism can breathe a sigh of relief now that it's protected by fizzle!

is it weird that my mouth watered at the pictures of the manuscript? a manuscript isn't even food!!!
me too! :D

a beauty of a manuscript


10 years ago

Toe blabber


10 years ago


9 years ago

Deleted comment

Well played!

Deleted comment

fizzle is so cute!

i can't believe fed-ex is so sinister. i thought a mail company is supposed to be neutral? i bet they have no problem shipping frozen steaks and playboy magazines. grrr.....
Вот это книжечка! %)

Сайт: смотреть фильмы онлайн всей семьей.
All hail Fizzle! A guardian both brave and true.
I had that problem for a while, then I invented a new line for my address, which is now. Thats how they have me in their system and they haven't missed me again in 10 years. UPS has it that way too. (my house is one of the oldest ones out here and when they filled in other houses they just started a new numbering system - resulting in 1998 being smack in the 2100 block)

1998 Belvedere Dr
Top of hill near blinking light
Jackson, MS

I'm frequently not home during the day, so our UPS guy knows this and just sticks the post-it on the door WITHOUT RINGING THE BELL. This has happened twice when I was at home. When I call UPS, they tell me that he's one of their oldest and most efficient and experienced drivers. Of course he's efficient, since he doesn't RING THE BELL.

I think I'll change my address to:

22 Highland Ave
Ring the freakin doorbell to see if I'm home before leaving the call tag and also don't leave packages with [certain family] because they're kind of assholes


9 years ago

Fizzle looks like my cat, Grendel. I'm not sure if Grendel is vegan, though. I'll have to ask. :)

Deleted comment

Agreed; FedEx doesn't even know I'm a vegan, and they probably don't care.

Otherwise, I would think my bank and FedEx had together hatched a sinister plot to screw up delivery of my replacement card--they cannot, they tell me, redirect the delivery to my mailbox place because it's a bank card. It has been over a month since I ordered a new card to replace my damaged one, and still I haven't received a new card. It almost makes me miss $hitibank, which can issue a replacement card for you in any branch you walk into--while you wait.


July 16 2007, 19:09:23 UTC 10 years ago

My mailman didn't bring me a few vegan cookbooks I ordered from Amazon even though I was leaving the building as he was dropping off the mail, so I know he didn't buzz or anything, but he did leave me one of those annoying notes saying "please come pick up your package at a postal office during the hours that you have to be at work". I think you're on to something...
Are you sure your regular letter carrier also brings packages? Our carrier walks to all the doors with regular mail around 11:30, then returns with a truck to anyone who has a package around 4:00.


7 years ago

best name for a cook book ever.
I can't wait! :-)
...having just spent 8 hours today studying for the bar, I can soundly say it's like that times a thousand.
Fedex is an equal-opportunity hater. My friends over at got good and truly screwed over a couple of weeks ago -- package lost, mislaid, stuck, whatever, lway way overdue -- and no human willing to take responsibility for it or offer to refund the now laughable overnight fee. They had to get on the phone with customer service f or like the 16th hour to ask for a refund.

Never ever use those guys if you can help it. They don't deserve your money.


July 17 2007, 07:48:22 UTC 10 years ago

my golly that is going to be a big book!
I've come to the conclusion that FedEx doesn't try to deliver to some places, and pretends to have missed you...
I bet if we were to make a sitcom about you, this epsiode would DEFINITELY entitle the use of agar and anti-freeze, and maybe a little glowstick innards (for the acidic drool, you see).
← Ctrl ← Alt
Ctrl → Alt →