July 16th, 2007

Fedex and the conspiracy to silence veganism

There have been studies that show butterflies more attracted to paper butterflies that are bigger and more colorful than real butterflies, and I figured that's what was happening with my FedEx guy. He would approach the door of my building, get enraptured with a shinier buzzer than my own, ring that one, walk away in an endorphin riddled daze, forgetting to even leave a tag on my door.

But on Saturday, the day that a proofread manuscript of Veganomicon was scheduled to arrive, I knew something far more sinister was afoot. I sat here all day, tracking the package with space age technology. Running downstairs every 2 minutes just to make sure. Only to be disappointed by a 3pm update informing me that I wasn't even home. My first thought was that I was actually long dead, a ghost caught in limbo, foolishly awaiting the arrival of a package that would never come.

But then it occurred to me - FedEx hates veganism.

A quick google search confirmed my hunch. A boolean* string of "fedex veganism" turned up a mere 446,000 hits. Meanwhile, "fedex meat"... an earth shattering 1,090,000.

I immediately bitch voiced the FedEx lady and was forced to take my earthly trappings all the way to the macabre industrial park where FedEx houses their demonic minions, each keeping close eye over our packages, caressing them with their talons, grotesque mouths agape and spilling acidic drool over their surfaces. Few are allowed in and even fewer are allowed out. But it was a chance I was willing to take.

Long story short, I brought a photo ID, signed on the dotted line, picked up the package, littered in their parking lot out of spite and now I have the manuscript and can send back my edits! Note: the unicorns will not be included on the final cover.

*I don't actually know what "boolean" means.

Manuscript plus toe

Fizzle guards the Veganomicon, nay! Veganism!

It's like I'm studying for the bar